I try to leave my hockey fanaticism off the pages of this website, mostly because I try to write to a more general audience here. How successful I am at that I don’t know, what with my specific pop-culture references like Bayonetta and Summer Glau. But when I couldn’t find a home for this article at another venue, I decided I’d slap it down right here at I Hate Humans. If you watch hockey at all you might enjoy it, otherwise there is some great work being done making fun of the iPad elsewhere.

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It’s sickening to read.

Anytime some jackass hockey goon loses his cool and brains an unsuspecting opponent the media come alive. Fashion your harpoons of over-zealous, specious reasoning! Tonight we hunt the great white whale that is on-ice thuggery!

Media buffoonery as it relates to hockey violence is vast and far reaching. Even SEE Magazine, who have no sports section to speak of, was getting in on the act last week editorializing Quebec Major Junior Hockey League star, Patrice Cormier’s vicious elbow to Quebec Rampart’s defenseman Mikael Tam.

If you haven’t seen the hit you can watch it here.

According to SEE, Cormier’s head-shot is “just the latest in a long and ever growing list of on-ice thuggery that has left a trail of seriously injured players in its wake.” I suppose that could look to be the case. The Edmonton Oilers, for example, have been victims of a couple questionable hits already this season, putting the likes of Sheldon Souray and Ales Hemsky on the injured reserved list.

It is worth noting, however, the NHL plays 1230 games every year, not including playoffs. Of all those games how many do you think pass without major incident? In fact, how many hockey games are played each day, professional or otherwise, without injury?

Hockey is an extremely aggressive sport played by hulked out testosterone monsters who eat iron and gravel for breakfast and wield long wooden sticks as tempting weapons. The truly amazing statistic here is how few malicious attacks actually occur.

That is not to say head-shots don’t need to be addressed, but the issue deserves a little perspective. When SEE writes garbage like “blows to the head — some accidental, most not — used to be a rarity in hockey,” it makes me wonder if the writer, who is not named, has ever watched hockey once in his or her entire life.

What about Bill McCreary destroying Wanye Gretzky? Or Pat Quinn elbowing Bobby Orr? Or Messier smacking Thomas Gradin over the helmet with his stick! The debate over violence in hockey is a long, time honored, sensationalist tradition made worse by ill-informed editorials like SEE Magazine’s.

If the columnist had bothered to check he or she would know that the NHL has been looking at head-shots for a long time, there has been no “refusal” to address the issue. You could make a fair argument for the league dragging its feet a little, but realize that head-shots are complicated.

Most head-shots occur during hard body checks; determining whether a player deliberately went head hunting is no easy task for a referee. It is particularly tough when someone like Zdeno Chara delivers the hit; the man stands a foot taller than every other player, of course he’s going to hit their head!

SEE Magazine, though, abandons rationality, calling for career ending disciplinary action as means to curb further goonings. “All it would take is one player to lose a career — not a season, but a career,” the article says.

Predictably the writer points to Todd Bertuzzi as the NHL’s greatest disciplinary failure. The fact that he is still playing says “all you need to know about hockey,” whatever that means.

The column, however, fails to post this one simple statistic, which is that since returning to NHL duty Bertuzzi has not been suspended once. You may not think Bertuzzi learned his lesson, SEE Magazine, but the facts say otherwise.

The truth is the NHL wants to reign in damaging head-shots, but need a balanced, clear rule that respects hockey as the edgy, tough game it is.

As for Cormier, he has since been suspended for the remainder of the QMJHL season, including playoffs. He won’t play another game until fall, which is discipline well served.

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In case you missed it, the US Supreme Court handed down a landmark ruling this past week. For our friends south of the border, if you were already concerned about the integrity of your democracy get ready to poop your drawers, because unions and corporations are now free to purchase and air advertising for or against political candidates.

At least you can look forward to political ads brought to you by Kraft Cheesy Macaroni, now available in white and sharp cheddar!

A candidate for deliciousness

Really, the United States should just consider cutting out the political middle-men and elect corporations to office. My vote would go to Ed Hardy. No seriously, this company has managed to convince scores of people to wear clothing smothered in artwork so horrendous it’s an offense to fashion, not to mention the eyes. That kind of salesmanship has got to translate into good governance.

Something is wrong with this chick's face

On the day I read this story I felt it a good day to be Canadian. While Republican appointed justices were responsible for opening the gates to corporate “free speech,” our conservatives here at home have worked, in the past, to close those doors. Love him or hate him, you have to at least respect that Stephen Harper isn’t nearly as batshit insane as his counterparts down south.

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As promised, I continue doing my Nostradamus impression to see whats in store for us in 2010. Read on!

Sarah Palin: YouTube Star!
Frankly, I was shocked when Fox News announced Sarah Palin would be a regular contributor to their “news” team. Palin has worked hard to avoid being unscripted in front of the camera, on account of her dumbery. Appearing as an analyst on live TV – even the soft, safe cushiony Fox News Network – seems counter productive to the whole don’t-let-her-talk-she-might-say-something-retarded strategy Palin’s camp has developed for her. Then again, I’m not a political strategist.

Golly gee, shucks, darn tutin', wink

However, given Palin’s laughable quotability when she is allowed before cameras, I’m confident Sarah will have become even more of a YouTube sensation in 2010 than she already is.

Hipsters will slide further into nostalgic obscurity.
I think hipsters are starting to blur the line between what is ironically hip and what is just stupid.

A couple months ago I was at an arts and crafts fair (fuck you, it was cool) densely attended by hipster folk. I passed by a booth where a lanky fellow with bleached white hair was selling music. His inventory included the usual obscure bands no one’s heard of. What was unusual was the format some of these albums were recorded on: cassette tape.

Yup, these things.

Okay, unlike records, which I understand can replicate descent fidelity, cassettes have no redeemable quality. Unless you count frequent destruction at the hands of an angry, hungry tape deck as wicked sweet, there is absolutely no reason use this format ever again.

The eighties sucked for all kinds of reason, but few were as infuriating as the cassette tape. Their quality, which wasn’t awesome to begin with, would degrade over time to barely audible, leaving your treasured red colored Ninja Turtles soundtrack a disposable hunk of plastic and polymer. Fuck you cassette tapes!

I have to wonder what’s next? Are we going to start wearing parachute pants?

Oh. This is much worse.

Listen fellow hipsters, just cause something is old and rare doesn’t automatically give it ironic cache. Some things need to die, and stay dead. In summary, stop making me relive the 80’s.

Women will become obsolete.
Write 2009 down, ladies, as the last year men had any use for you, because 2010 marks the year the lovebot takes over.

The Replacement

Oh yes, a subservient love machine who’s only desire is to please us; clean up after us, mix our favourite drinks and read us the morning new paper. Think it’s a pipe dream? Oh, no, no, no. It’s already here, ladies, it’s already here.

Le Trung, a 33 year-old from Toronto, has built himself his very own robot girlfriend, and yes, she does all the things I mentioned above. Her name is Aiko, which mean “love child.” Appalled yet? Mr. Trung also programmed the robot to simulate having an orgasm.

Now you’re appalled.

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I’m back! Miss me? I trust you all had a very happy and safe New Years. I personally spent New Year’s Eve learning what a poor dancer I am, and how much more I’ve begun to sweat in my old age.

Old age notwithstanding, we have a whole new decade in front of us, so I’ve decided to look forward to the coming year and make some bold predictions for 2010.

North America Will Get Fatter
For all our diet schemes and endless shelves of weight-loss books, we still can’t escape from the delicious grip of salt, fat and sugar. Some of us find ways to combine all three into an unholy, sweet and savory concoction designed specifically to transform the blood into a molasses the human heart can barely manage to churn.

Wendy’s is a perfect example, where I’ve witnessed patrons dip their french fries in frosties.  I’ve also been told this is “good,” however, I can hardly reconcile iced cream (or in this case, more likely, chilled blended lard) and potatoes forming a sensation I’d considered all aces.

This burger may have permanently damaged my colon.

Speaking of Wendy’s, there should be some kind of disclaimer on the Triple Baconator, something like “Caution: This product may cause excessive sweating and shortness of breath.” The fact a burger like that is even on the menu gives me confidence enough to say that we will continue our quick rise to universal obesity.

Iron Man 2 Will Suck
When images of Mickey Rourke as Whiplash in Iron Man 2 surfaced the internet shit it’s pants. Oh my god, the Iron Man sequels is going to be terrible! Just look at that costume!

Laser whips, the latest in impractical weaponry.

Okay. Well…yes, Rourke’s villain is looking somewhat over-the-top, but I’m not sure it’s deserving of so much rich, thick hatred. Then again, the internet probably reads Iron Man comics, and I do not. I’ll bet Whiplash looks super badass and awesome in the comic books.

Right.

So I guess the complaint is Whiplash won’t be wearing a gimp mask and asking the audience to pick a safe word? Look, Iron Man 2 certainly could suck, there is every possibility, but if you fanboys are going to crush it under the weight of heavy criticism (I’m looking at you io9), than I’d say it’s already a forgone conclusion.

Besides, it isn’t incumbent for a villain to look badass and cool to be effective. If you’ll recall, the Green Goblin looked like this:

Oh, right…

The Democrats Will Lose Senate Seats

I think it’s fair to say that Barack Obama’s first year as US president have been disappointing for liberal voters in the States. Obama, promising universal public health care throughout his presidential campaign, quickly capitulated to independent senator and jowls aficionado Joe Lieberman.

It looks like he has weights attached to his cheeks

The new bill makes health-insurance mandatory, which was cause for health insurers to throw extravagant parties with shrimp hors d’oeuvres wrapped in gold foil and diamond studded escargot.

Health-care reform without the promised public option has not only upset the gay, socialist, abortionist Nazis that put Obama in office, but it strikes me as a significant loss to the Republicans. While Obama seems to get many things done quietly behind the scene, publicly he’s losing the battle and will likely pay for it come fall.

I shall continue with my twenty-ten prognostications next week.

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Just a few hours from and my thirtieth birthday I’m finding out there there is no rewind button for age. The indelible persistence of time is quickly erasing what little is left of my roaring twenties.

So here I am, Christmas Eve 2009, sheepishly fading into my thirties. My youth lost, I’ve begun to ponder the comfort of a good pair of suspenders and the soothing benefits of Preparation H.

I’m more afraid of the physical effects of aging than anything. Like a good Canadian, I play a lot of hockey and the realization I’m already at my physical peak terrifies me. My knees are already wrapped in protective braces, so who knows what support my spongy decaying bones will soon require. I’m crossing my fingers that by the time I reach my forties medical science will be able to replace my splintered bones with shiny silver robotics á la Skynet. I’d consider a built-in flak cannon to be a bonus.

Gregg Beever 2020

I suppose I could be concerned about the decline of my youthful good looks. But I can face facts, I’m no Robert Pattinson, who is the bar for male attractiveness for some reason.

I'm very sexily pretending to eat a sandwich.

I’m half expecting my looks to horrifically melt away like the guy from “Raiders of the Lost Arc” anyhow, no point in getting worked up about it. I’ll just have to rely on my charm and wit to impressed the fairer sex.

Wanna go out for coffee sometime?

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