October 26th, 2009
Bayonetta: Nerd Porn
When I traveled to Japan earlier this year I discovered one simple thing about the Japanese: everything they do is over the top. Game shows dress contestants in shiny silver onesies, cartoons feature a cast of talking titties, and billboards scream in eye melting colors. It’s easily the loudest country, audibly and visually, I have traveled.
For us in North America the more over-produced the spectacle the better. We love Japan for it’s ironic entertainment. It’s awesome because it’s ridiculous, right?
Well it is, until it isn’t.
Disproportionate Girl!
Meet Sega’s Bayonetta, Japan’s latest video game export in powerful feminine archetypes. Don’t let the broad shoulders and tree-trunk thighs fool you, she is intended to be female. Sure she’s nine feet tall and looks like a sexually confused line backer, but she’s female. I mean, check those fun bags! This chick must have some serious back issues.
"This is how I stand, what of it?"
Nearly every photo I find of Bayonetta seems to depict her squatting in the shit-taking position. Not that this is terribly out of place for Japanese imagery. For instance, I found figurines in Japan toy stores of naked girls squatting over toilets.
For a game that has yet to be released the Wikipedia entry is laughably long. But thanks to that entry I learned that Bayonetta’s badassery is not exclusive to tight black leather and fashionable glasses, she also has ankle pistols. Observe at the 0:02 mark as Bayonetta takes down baddies with feet guns.
Wow, is that ever…retarded. It looks like a baboon going into convulsions. How does Bayonetta fire a gun attached to her ankle? Why she’s a shape shifting witch, of course! I’d say Sega closed that continuity problem nicely. Also she performs magic attacks with her hair. Yeah! Death by curly locks!
"This chick isn't 9' tall, this convention is bullshit!"
Somehow Bayonetta has managed to capture the imagination of the gaming community, spawning much cosplay. What gets me is that this character is so poorly designed in just about every way. She’s got revolting proportions, beyond stupid weaponry and a horrible fashion sense. Bayonetta makes gloriously effeminate Final Fantasy characters seem endurable.
Alright, maybe not…
Update: Bayonetta continues to get grosser.
The game is SUPPOSED to be over the top and ridiculous. Ankle pistols? Just adds to the whole, “This is absolutely implausible” feel. The characters are overly sexual and the action is overly crazy, but the game is very aware of that. It turns it into just what it should be: a spectacle. You fail to mention that a) the controls of the game are nearly flawless and b) the graphics are gorgeous and the framerate is smooth. I think what you failed to consider is that this is a VIDEO GAME. Something that’s made purely for fun, for entertainment. Who cares how dumb it is as long as you have a good time playing it? You’re almost literally judging a book by its cover (assuming “book” means video game and “cover” means main character). In fact… have you even played the game? I realize this was posted in October, before the release, but if you had played it, your opinion might have changed and you would have edited this or posted something new, right? If you haven’t played it simply based on a few images, then you’re absolutely a self-righteous blowhard. You can hide dumb, unfounded opinions behind eloquence, but it won’t fool everyone, buddy.
You’ll carefully notice, Taylor, that I never once insinuate that Bayonetta is a poor game. My point is that the idea this character looks sexy is laughable, and that ankle guns are the most retarded fantasy weapon ever conceived. Well, that and the gun sword. Final Fantasy VIII sucked.
I will hide behind my eloquence, though, thanks for that. Cheers.
i’d [present flowers to] that…
NICE [ARTICLE]!!
this girl gives me a [strong feeling of commitment towards one person] … i’d totally [marry] those funbags! don’t get me started with that fine [ring finger], [DOWN ON ONE KNEE] ALL NIGHT LONG!!!
that girl gives me a [feeling of arousal].. i’d totally [tenderly kiss] those funbags! don’t get me started with that fine [bum], [PUPPY] STYLE ALL NIGHT LONG!!
Oh, yeah, how could anyone forget that Bayonetta is supposed to be a totally realistic game? I mean, it tells a story about a witch fighting God and his armies in quite a surreal world. What did you expect? Seriously, Gregg, this review is just a big bunch of bullshit. You didn’t understand at all what the game was supposed to be. You don’t even have any clue of Japanese modern culture obviously. So, how about shutting the fuck up? Go and play some soccer or wait for Call of Duty 14.
Okay…again…not reviewing the game. I think I would have to play the game in order to review it.
Japanese culture is something I’m familiar with, I recently traveled to the Land of the Rising Sun, in fact. Still, even Bayonetta’s “sexuality” seems bizarre, even for the Japanese. That’s saying something.
One more thing, Chris, John, Keith and John again are all the same person (all the same IP). I’m not sure what that’s about, but apparently he wants to give Bayonetta the business real good.
gregg your right , the day games move away from laughable characters like this would probably be the day video games were accepted by the majority as a genuine and finaly mature alternative to film and literature. Games like mass effect , dragon age and heavy rain are pushing in the right direction, with mature games based on narrative and characters but unfortunately retarded hack n slash 5 billion hit combo, execute you with my hair, bayonetta is one of the reasons i never tell a girl im dating that im a games fan untill at least 6 months into the relationship lol ……and even then you get a raised eye brow and the words ” Why “
Bayonetta was made based on Kamiya’s very own “ideal woman”. she’s tall, curvey and despite being too buxom IMHO, she is classically well proportioned.In the words of my slightly irate friend “I do believe you might be gay.”
i’d [repeatedly make disturbing sexual comments about a video game character] that
You are an idiot for even attempting to use rationality on Bayonetta. The game is a work of art. A good piece of art should never please everyone who looks at it.
WOW!!! u censored my friends comments??? ;’(
guns on feet are stupid…
how is her sexuality bizzare? japanese has some pretty messed up shit that people shouldnt see. im just saying that bayonetta is nothing compared to some nasty ass shit japan does