January 11th, 2010

I’m back! Miss me? I trust you all had a very happy and safe New Years. I personally spent New Year’s Eve learning what a poor dancer I am, and how much more I’ve begun to sweat in my old age.

Old age notwithstanding, we have a whole new decade in front of us, so I’ve decided to look forward to the coming year and make some bold predictions for 2010.

North America Will Get Fatter
For all our diet schemes and endless shelves of weight-loss books, we still can’t escape from the delicious grip of salt, fat and sugar. Some of us find ways to combine all three into an unholy, sweet and savory concoction designed specifically to transform the blood into a molasses the human heart can barely manage to churn.

Wendy’s is a perfect example, where I’ve witnessed patrons dip their french fries in frosties.  I’ve also been told this is “good,” however, I can hardly reconcile iced cream (or in this case, more likely, chilled blended lard) and potatoes forming a sensation I’d considered all aces.

This burger may have permanently damaged my colon.

Speaking of Wendy’s, there should be some kind of disclaimer on the Triple Baconator, something like “Caution: This product may cause excessive sweating and shortness of breath.” The fact a burger like that is even on the menu gives me confidence enough to say that we will continue our quick rise to universal obesity.

Iron Man 2 Will Suck
When images of Mickey Rourke as Whiplash in Iron Man 2 surfaced the internet shit it’s pants. Oh my god, the Iron Man sequels is going to be terrible! Just look at that costume!

Laser whips, the latest in impractical weaponry.

Okay. Well…yes, Rourke’s villain is looking somewhat over-the-top, but I’m not sure it’s deserving of so much rich, thick hatred. Then again, the internet probably reads Iron Man comics, and I do not. I’ll bet Whiplash looks super badass and awesome in the comic books.

Right.

So I guess the complaint is Whiplash won’t be wearing a gimp mask and asking the audience to pick a safe word? Look, Iron Man 2 certainly could suck, there is every possibility, but if you fanboys are going to crush it under the weight of heavy criticism (I’m looking at you io9), than I’d say it’s already a forgone conclusion.

Besides, it isn’t incumbent for a villain to look badass and cool to be effective. If you’ll recall, the Green Goblin looked like this:

Oh, right…

The Democrats Will Lose Senate Seats

I think it’s fair to say that Barack Obama’s first year as US president have been disappointing for liberal voters in the States. Obama, promising universal public health care throughout his presidential campaign, quickly capitulated to independent senator and jowls aficionado Joe Lieberman.

It looks like he has weights attached to his cheeks

The new bill makes health-insurance mandatory, which was cause for health insurers to throw extravagant parties with shrimp hors d’oeuvres wrapped in gold foil and diamond studded escargot.

Health-care reform without the promised public option has not only upset the gay, socialist, abortionist Nazis that put Obama in office, but it strikes me as a significant loss to the Republicans. While Obama seems to get many things done quietly behind the scene, publicly he’s losing the battle and will likely pay for it come fall.

I shall continue with my twenty-ten prognostications next week.

Filed under: General by Gregg |