July 12th, 2010

When I first came up with the name “I Hate Humans” I thought it a momentary flash of unfathomable genius; I believe I registered the domain name that very night. The title itself doesn’t mean anything, other than an exaggerated metaphor for my scathing cynicism.

I saw I Hate Humans as an outlandish and inflammatory enough slogan that would undoubtedly catch the attention of the internets, thus sending my charming, witty prose high into the blogosphere!

I remember having a quick debate with myself over whether I should refer to my blog as I Hate Humans or as ihatehumans. Cool, hip things are always typed as a single word entirely in lowercase, and I was definitely cool and hip.

The conclusion I came to was that repeatedly referencing my site in one word would make it less accessible to searches and thus harder to find. My site was to have billions of readers. BILLIONS! They would need to be able to easily find my sweet new blog.

That proved to be a terrible mistake.

After launching the website my next step was to create a facebook (see?) fan page, or whatever it is they call them now; like pages? I invited all my friends to be fans – about half those ingrates accepted – and I was quickly on my way to blog super-stardom!

I checked that fan page religiously, eager to see if my fans had grown. When I got my first fans who I did not know personally I was ecstatic. Surely this meant my writing was impossibly funny and people around the globe were enjoying its steady feed of hilarity.

Suddenly the number of fans exploded. I quickly reached 100 then 200 people but curiously none were commenting on any articles.

Then idiotic messages like this began to appear on the wall:

Slowly, I began to realize that, in fact, no one was reading my site. My “fans” were just a collection of social network junkies who thought “I Hate Humans? I hate humans too, ayuk-yuk!” The page became another “hilarious” group like “justin bieber sucks” or “your so beautiful.. LOL jk go back under your bridge you troll” (no, seriously, that’s a page, it has over 100,000 fans).

As the number of fans ballooned so too did the idiocy of the messages.

This guy may have some kind of transformational fetish, but at least his spelling is mostly correct, even if his grammar is not. The rest of the messages are an incoherent mess of atrocious misspellings and non-existent punctuation.

Frankly, I’m shocked these people have the spacial awareness to find the computer’s power button, much less typing big five or even six letter words. I like to imagine Mr. Redden mashing his meaty hands against the keyboard in a vain attempt to convey his ideas about fire and sharpened rocks.

When the walls posts got creepy, I started to lose heart.

I stopped writing. My motivation was lost; my passion crushed under a heavy pile of vacuous, cretinous babble. I resolved to change the name of my blog and delete the fan page, but not before writing a liberating post chronicling the harsh stupidity existing on my fan page.

And here we are.

Filed under: General by Gregg |